Speed Checked by Radar
Thought up:  4.23.02 – 1:36am
Written: 4.27.02 – 9:27am
#5

I’m gonna take some time to analyze the sign we see on the roads ALL over every state:  “Speed Checked by Radar.”  As opposed to…?  How else would you track the speed of a car?  What kind of idiot decided to make this sign?  What a splendid way to waste money in state government!  I’ve thought of a couple of other ways to combat this “Speed Checked by Radar” (SCBR) dilemma.  I propose, for the sake of taking down all those signs across the nation, to have speed checked by other means.

Option 1:  There could be like 326 or 471 frozen goat heads randomly placed in the middle of highways and interstates.  These heads will be set on 3-foot tall glass shafts.  The SCBR signs will be replaced by Speed Checked by Flying Goatheads (SCBFG) signs.  When the car runs into this goat head, (these goat heads will be very well camouflaged to dissuade people from missing them on purpose) it gets whacked a certain distance.  And that’s where the state workers come in.  State workers will be placed at 300-foot intervals along every major highway and interstate where the goat heads on glass shafts are erected.  (Don’t worry, they don’t have REAL work to do anyway, might as well have them do something useful.)  So when the goat head gets hit, a state worker will run out and see how far the goat head flew thus calculating the speed the driver must have been driving to hit it that far.  Anyway, put like a good 357+ of them around various locales where these goat signs reside.  When a perpetrator flies by the sign and thinks to himself/herself,
Himself/Herself:  “Gee Self, my speed is being checked by radar.  Should I slow down?  (2 second pause to think about it.)  Hell no!  Radars only live on police cars, and there are no police cars within sight, so that sign is a waste of everyone’s money!  Boy, I’m sure showing those radar-sign-making people a thing or two.”

And before they know it, WHAM, a goat head is splatted onto their car.  And then I bet they’ll be the ones feeling sheepish…  Get it, sheepish - wink, wink, nudge nudge.

Option 2:  This might make animal activists a little angrier, but it would provide a different means of checking speeds on major roadways.  We’re going to need a snail, a turtle, a boa constrictor, a mouse, a duck, a 3-legged cat, a dog that just got spun around like 15 or 16 times, an elephant, and a cheetah (might be hard to get a cheetah, so maybe a track with a toy train on it that can go 80 mph.  I could make a suit that looks like a cheetah, or I guess a person could just ride the train with my cheetah costume I wore for Halloween).
Anyway, we’d line these animals up at random locations along the highway and as a car would shoot by, a race would begin.  The animals would start running when the car passes them, and they’d race for 100 yards.  Wherever this car finishes in the 100-yard race in comparison to the animals would give a relatively close estimate as to the speed of the car.  True, the animals may become tired, but it’s all for the sake of sign preservation.  And besides, who wouldn’t want to be driving along a highway, and look out their window and see a boa constrictor racing against them…