There was a time I also couldn’t afford a delicious 99 cent chili cheese burrito, but yesterday passed quickly and now I can’t afford one today either, crap…

It does have its benefits…

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

…Is at SpongeBob under the Stars ice skating festival or in the privacy of your own home - I think this is nether…

Just put down the axe Gramma, we don’t need fire wood, nor less legs, nor socialism…

But why lie?  Just tell it how it is:

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be “Clark Kent, Dentist,” because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, “How’s my back tooth?” and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, “Oh it’s okay,” then the patient would probably say, “Aren’t you going to take an X-ray, stupid?” and you’d say, “Aw fuck you, get outta here,” and then he probably wouldn’t even pay his bill.