I thought it deserved to go SOMEWHERE…\\

They probably fast forwarded where he peed in the corner and played 5 on 1…

And if he did, whether it be a baby or a midget, he’s got a long life of intergalactic adventure ahead of him…

The World’s Best Pet
Thought up: 8.2.03 – 6:40pm
Written: 4.20.04 - 4:20 pm
#30

A little over two years ago I lost my dog in horrible fashion. He wasn’t hit by a car, and he wasn’t drowned in a sea of biscuits and gravy; albeit, both would be “horrible fashion” to die. He was instead running around doing his nightly business, I’m sure on someone else’s lawn, and he found some delectable meats sitting on the road. This is the same poisoned meat that several dogs in the neighborhood surely had been dining on over the past week, as they also had gone to the hospital, and later to “the big open field in the sky.” He was a good dog, and I don’t ever think that he’ll be replaceable… Unless I get something that can do all the tricks he used to, and refrain from all the things he didn’t do, such as hump legs and pee on the carpet. Clearly that nixes out hamsters and crawdads, elephants and snakes, crows and chia pets (they’re not real anyway). But there are several animals that I think deserve the chance to live up to the standards that the great Toby set. For instance:

1.
Civet – This beast is a cross between a cat, a weasel, and a skunk. The have short hair, weasel-like faces and produce an odor from a pouch near their genitals. These guys can live in trees or underground depending on their habitat that they’re in. Who wouldn’t want to have a little guy like this? I think this would be a fine animal to have running around the house, because no matter where you put it, it’ll be happy there… You could put it down in the basement under the piano, and it’d dig a hole and wouldn’t make much noise at all, and if it did, you could just start playing the piano really loud, and I’m sure he’d get scared and shut up. You could put him in the attic and he’d burrow into the insulation, saving you costs on finding a kennel and bedding. I imagine they’d eat most anything, and if you trained him well enough, you could teach him to eat old spiders and insulation. You could let it live under the sink and apparently it’d adapt to eating dishwashing soap, and you could probably take off the cap to the garbage disposal and I bet he’d eat all the chopped up pieces of food that it spits out. That way, he’d have the cleanest little “accidents” of any animal. Rumor has it that he’s got some mean claws though, so you’d probably have to get a sander to keep those things trimmed!

2.
Echidna –This guy is like a porcupine with sharp quills, but has no teeth or ears. He’s in the running because he’s very protective, granted, not protective OF me per se, but still protective. I think that’s a good characteristic to have though. He’s a crafty little fella that won’t bite the mailman, but he falls short in the fact that he can’t hear, making it extremely difficult to teach any commands. He’d have to be really good at sign language. He hibernates in the winter, saving money during those tough winter months when you’ve got to spend big bucks on heating bills and Christmas presents, so that’s a definite advantage. The best aspect of this guy though is that the babies are made in eggs! Can you imagine the size of those omelettes! He’d be in the race just for that alone if I had anything to say about it. Wait, I do. So he’s in the race too.

3.
Jerboa – You may think from his name that he’s a cross between a gerbil and a boa constrictor, but clearly you’d be wrong. Although, come to think about it, that’d be a pretty cool animal itself. However, that’s a different topic, for another day. It’s obvious what a guy like this would contribute to a relationship with me:
a. He’s small.
b. He has legs like a bird.
c. He has ears like a rabbit.
d. A tail like a donkey.
e. And finally, the body of a mouse.
- Clearly several reasons to be added to the “wanted” list. Apparently he can jump upwards of 10 feet high and it is only 8 inches tall at its tallest. Think of all the possibilities. No longer would you need to throw stuff at things stuck in small trees or power lines! You could have your pet Jerboa jump up there and rustle them out of there! Granted, he’s not electrocution-proof, that’s just silly to think so, but I’ll be willing to bet that he’s not smart enough to know he’s not! This would certainly be a pet that I’d have to have at least 15 or 20 of to make it worth my while. I’d imagine the best use for them would be as car deodorizers. You could spray them with scented oils, and save a boatload on those smelly-tree car scents. You could probably also freak a lot of people out and make them think you have a mouse infestation if you put them in your car! But then it’d be all worth it once you told them that it was just your pet Jerboa collection that you keep in your car for the lovely scent they emanate!

4.
Okapi – This strange beast must have been created when the ugliest giraffe decided that a zebra was an attractive animal. Heck I guess it could really happen. To tell you the truth, I don’t really think that this would be a good animal to have as a pet because I’m sure it would be teased a lot, and my personality just couldn’t have that. I’d need to have more background information on how to care for these guys anyway. I guess it’s just that I felt sorry for him because I’m sure nobody would want it as a pet, so I put it in my collection. On a plus side, this guy can clean his ears with his tongue, which is braggable if you’re at a party for animals that do stupid things like lick their ears.

5.
Pangolin – This guy would be a good pet to have if you were sword fighting. He’s impenetrable to most things, so I assume a sword would cascade off his scales. He has a lot of characteristics of an armadillo, but I think destroys the armadillo in cool points as he has a sticky tongue like a frog. Imagine the beauty of sword fighting a lizard while he catches flies with his tongue. Every human in America should have one of these pets. Hell, every living thing should have one, except if you’re a fly or bug that can be caught by a sticky tongue. And if you were one of these bugs, I’d recommend not taking your pet to family gatherings. You’d kill all of your friends and family, but boy would it be a story to tell your new friends. You could probably even convince them to stay your friends forever for fear that you’ll unleash your pet pangolin on them and their families, which is a huge bonus when you’re a small bug.

6.
100% American Beaver — How could you go wrong with a pet beaver? There are a million reasons why any person would want to have a pet beaver!
• Don’t worry about living in the forest anymore! You don’t have to chop your own wood! Send ol’ Sparky out there and have him cut a few logs for you. He’d be happy to. That’s what he was born to do.
• Even if you lived in the city, it’s clearly the best pet to have. Imagine you’ve come home from a long day at the office, and you get into your condo to find that the dinner hasn’t been cooked, and the floor needs sweeping. What better animal than the beaver to cook a gourmet steak dinner for you and then sweep the floor with its tail!
• Think of when you’re cooking cookies, and you always have that laborious job of patting down the brown sugar to fit into that little cup? Hm, what could you possibly use that would pat this down? Tada! A beaver!
• Have you ever been working away at your house using your trusty number 2 pencil and had no place to sharpen it? Problem solved!
• What if you accidentally put your neighbor’s pet skunk in a box and shipped it to China? It wouldn’t matter anymore because what animal looks the most like a skunk without a stripe? Of course the beaver! You could replace the skunk with your beaver (you’d have to draw a stripe on him) and go out and buy a new skunk before your neighbor would even know!
• Don’t go on my word though; think of the safety of your loved ones. Think if a pirate were robbing your house. What do pirates always have? Yep, a wooden leg! It’s going to be hard for him to go away with just ONE regular old leg! Beavers love to eat wood! Look at the picture! I was told that piece of wood used to belong to a pirate. Not anymore!

It’s pretty ridiculous, now that you’ve seen the evidence, why more people don’t own pet beavers. They serve many uses, and, in the end, aren’t that difficult to maintain. A grooming once a year, and a teeth whitening once every 6 months, and after that, they’re basically free. It’s true, I will never find another animal like my dog Toby, but I can find plenty of animals that would give him a run for his money. I always think that you should do stuff that makes you happy in life. Finding that special pet can make all the difference, but there is a 99% chance that you pet is going to die before you do, so I’d create a list of pets that can “fill in” for your pet once it climbs that big ladder in the sky. It’ll make the transition a lot less difficult, and who knows, maybe you won’t like the pet that’s next on the list and you could search on the internet for the perfect recipe for grilled pangolin or BBQ Jerboa ribs…

Free-T-Bone-Thursday
Thought up: 2.6.04 – 8:01am
Written: 2.7.04 - 4:29 pm
#28

So yesterday on my drive to work, I passed the college by my house and saw a young man of of larger stature cruising by my car at a not-too-hurried pace. Anyway, this larger-than-average-mammal was wearing a pair of sweat pants with a word on the back of the pants. You know the kind, the ones that the girls get that say “defense” or “flirt” or something on the back. Yea, those are the ones, but on this guy they really didn’t look like they were meant for him.

Now, I believe the word on the back was supposed to read “Tigers.” I wasn’t 100% sure on this, but it looked like it when his hams were sliding back and forth you could kinda see the other letters in there. He stopped after he’d crossed the street at the next stop light, waiting his turn to cross, and in standing there, all I could see were the letters “TS.” I don’t know how or why he might have bought these pants. Perhaps he stole them from his girlfriend or something because they looked comfortable.

“Dear God, save us from this terror!”

I’m sure that his girlfriend is NOT going to want those back after his butt cheeks have been using them as a washrag all day! I recommend burning them, or at least washing them with 100% bleach 15 or 16 times. It’s only for safety’s sake. Hopefully sometime in the near future our President will realize this crime to humanity of wearing these pants by larger men. He might pass some sort of bill outlawing this indecent exposure. While he’s at it, make every other Thursday Free-T-Bone-Thursday, and every store in town has to give them away. Until then I suppose, we’ll just have to watch grown men wear women’s clothing and pay for our dead cattle with good ol’ American counterfeit money…

I own one, and trust me, he’s pretty worthless.  Perhaps he should try a new occupation…

How to Hate Email Forwards More
Thought up: 1.19.04 – 8:19am
Written: 1.19.04 - 3:19 pm
#27

The internet has come a long way since Al Gore invented it those short few years back. Just think, if his brain hadn’t invented this idea, you’d not have gotten many of the lovely email chain letters that litter your mailbox each morning. These things drive EVERYONE crazy, but there are one or two people in every friend circle that are afraid to have “7 weeks of bad luck.” Oh no! I don’t want that! I better send this stupid email from Jimmy Sluggameinthanuts (who, coincidentally has a terrible nose disease that prevents him from tasting the crack his mom fed him when he was only 3) to everyone I know!

—–Original Message—–

From: Sluggameinthanuts, Jimmy

Sent: Wednesday, January 21, 2004 2:38 PM

To: Andy

Subject: FWD: Forward: FWD (FWD) SUPER IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ…

Hello everyone! My name is Jimmy Sluggameinthanuts. I have a terrible disease known as noseamblibrainvacany, most of you probably haven’t ever heard of it. It’s a horrible thing that makes me forget stuff a lot - I don’t remember what my mother even looks like anymore! Not only that, but I also suck at kickball at school, and my teacher always gets mad at me for playing with my dingy in class. It’s very embarrassing. I’m assuming it’s because of the horrid conditions of the village I live in. I’ve been living in this small village in a remote area of the world called Los Angeles.

I know, you’ve probably never heard of it, but that’s why I need your help. With my disease, I haven’t been able to walk to the store for my medication, and I fear I have another strange disease that will require me to send out another one of these annoying emails that nobody REALLY cares about in another week or 2. Anyway, without this medication, my mother will probably have to give up her 15th born son to be able to pay for this horrid surgery where my eyes will have to be poked out to make room for the alien lunch basket they plan on sticking in my head instead. I know it’s not much, but all I need is a few cents from each of you to get this underway.

I know times may be tough for you, but where I come from, we don’t have running water, television or hookers. I forgot to tell you also that I’m only 7 years old. About the running water, I was just kidding about that. We really do have running water, but it’s only good when my father comes home late from the city and “fills up” the water jug. But that also is another problem that Mr. Bill Gates said he’d help with. All you have to do is send this to everyone you know and CC Bill Gates on each one, and he will donate .0084 cents for each person that you send this to for my health! So please, if you don’t I will surely die, and God will likely hate you forever for not being nice to me!

If you’re wondering how I have an email address, you can stop wondering now. My life is so bad that I have to sell 3 fingers to a monkey that uses Morse code to send this letter to another impoverished 3 year-old in Tanzania that gets whipped when he doesn’t spell words correctly! (To send him money, Bill Gates has also set up another fund where if you pray to God 50 times and then jump up and down 2389 times with your eyes closed and then spit on the sidewalk and stick 14 bamboo sticks in your butt, he’ll give a rat’s-ass to the charity of your choice!) I don’t have much time left, so I’m also going to help you out by having you be really lucky today! Scroll down!

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>>>>>>> Are you ready yet! Keep your fingers crossed! Your wish is about to come true!

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>>>>>>> I’m so excited! This is amazingly cool and awesome! Keep scrolling and wasting your day!

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>>>>>>> Oh boy! Here we come; we’re almost there! If you believe in God, and really think that what goes around comes around, you’ll find it in your heart to believe like those stupid Care-Bears did. Your wish is about to happen!

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>>>>>>> Are you ready to rip your ears off yet because this sucks so bad? Do you want to kill the person that sent this to you yet?

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>>>>>>>Hooray! Your wish will now come true… …UNLESS you don’t pass this on to eleventy-billion people!

If you send this to only 1 person then you’ll have bad luck for 5 days and 13 hours!

If you send this to 2-4 people, you’ll have mediocre luck, but one of those days you may lose a finger or get your face bitten by a rabid cat.

If you send this to 5-9 people, you’ll likely get the HIV, but on a good note, you’ll be blessed by 15,000 dancing fairies and get to put some Gold Bond on your privates.

If you send this to 9-14 people, you’ll have super good luck until March 22, when your face will get scratched off by a grizzly, but you’ll at least have good luck until then!

If you send this to a mere 15-33 people you’ll go to heaven and get 44 naked virgins to help you clean the stubs you now have from getting your arms and legs ripped off by an angry gorilla because you didn’t forward this on to more than 33 people!

If you send this on to 33-148 people, you’ll likely just develop some sort of cold or allergy to your favorite food, which will result in death, or at very least a nasty case of scurvy, much like pirate scurvy.

If you send this on to 148-3983 people, you will save the lives of 44 starving children in Africa, but kill 4 dogs in your neighborhood and lose sight in one eye!

If you send this to more than 3983 people, you will have really good luck, and go to heaven, and win the lottery!

I know from personal experience of a lady that sent this email forward on to only 7 people, and the next day she got hit by a bus while driving her kids to school! And the bus driver got the exact same email that day and sent it on to everyone he knew, which was only 158 people, and found out that he saved a bunch of lives, but that the lady’s name was Doglie Doggernaught, and he had no idea what would happen, and then a kid dropped a spoon and a ninja killed the whole town! So beware of what you do with this email! You had better forward it on! Even if you don’t know very many people, you can still copy it by hand and drop it in some mailboxes around your neighborhood, and if people give you a hard time about it, just remember to give them one because I’m sure that they don’t know 3984 people and odds are in your favor that they’ll have their eyes pecked out by weeks-end!

If you believe in any of the following then you’ll forward this email on because not only will I benefit from it, but did you hear about how Microsoft had an error in their billing system and every time you send on this email you’ll get a check for $445.28 for everyone you send it to! I promise! I heard about a lady that didn’t think this was true, and then one day, after she got done taking a crap, she went to the mailbox and found a check for $7,893,838,494.29 because she forwarded this on, and didn’t even have to pay taxes on it, AND she decided to give most of it to charity to help the blind and she will for sure go to heaven and have good luck for like several hundred years at least!

If you believe in:

1. God
2. Allah
3. Zeus
4. Shiva
5. Rick Moranis
6. Santa and/or Easter Bunny
7. Anything

Then you had better forward this, because they would, and they have good luck all the time.

So, in closing, I just wanted to say that I am going to have fingers no more, with all the Morse code and crap from this monkey. So please, if you like people or food or breathing please help me out, and forward this on!

Love,

Jimmy Sluggameinthanuts