Jahmba
Thought up: 5.2.01 – 4:04am
Written: 10.16.03 - 3:49 pm
#23
Long ago (2 ½ years), in a land far far away (Walla Walla, WA), 4 geniuses (well, 3 and ½ at least) sat in deep thought in a bubbling tub of water, searching for a solution to time travel. Multiverses, universes, and parallel dimensions were discussed at length; as well as wormholes, space/time continuum, and flux capacitors. Everyone agreed that, indeed, multiverses existed, and that every action made in life gave way to an infinite amount of possibilities therein. But what started as a simple in-depth discussion on time travel, turned into the single most important discovery in human/alien history! Jahmba. Yes, Jahmba.

Jahmba: The number that will reside in between the current numbers of 7 and 8. It will look and smell just like all its other numerical counterparts, but it will be different in the fact that it looks like a work of art instead of just a stupid number. All Jahmba and Jahmba related paraphernalia would ALWAYS be in the color of blue; everything except for the yellow and red eyes of the goat-like character that will be in the middle of the numbers design. This goat will be eating approximately 4 other numbers and 3 letters. These numbers are yet to be decided because I’m not sure which of those remaining alphanumeric characters I hate the most. For sure 56, and 278 will be two (2) of the numbers in the goat’s mouth; and likely the letters “C” and “H”, which are, coincidentally, the worst letters in any language, EVER! It’s also very possible that “threeve” will be one of the alphanumeric digits.

The presence of threeve is mostly to confuse inventors of a better number than jahmba, who will falter due to lack of knowledge of “threeve”. The image of the goat will also have debris scattered about the ground with numbers and letters representing leftover goat food, once again showing supremacy over these “weaker” and more “inferior” traditional character values. All of this will be tactfully and tastefully done, by blatantly displaying these emblems of dominance to the alphanumeric world directly AS the number Jahmba. At no time should anyone build any building higher than Jahmbaty-four-thousand and ninety-jahmba feet, out of pure respect for the number. Similarly, at no time should anyone set the snooze button on an alarm clock to ANYTHING with Jahmba in it (once clocks with Jahmba are invented, of course).

We’re not talking about some fireside chat amongst political advisors or 3rd world countries here! This is real life, genuinely homemade, 120% raw American brainpower at work! Jahmba was invented to not only make money, but to make the number system a LOT harder, and more difficult to teach. Every person in the world would again have to learn to count! Schools would be revamped, rulers remade, computer programs rewritten. Every piece of literature that had ever been printed would have to be burned; or at least scribbled out and re-written with Jahmba in mind. People that wore larger than a size 7 shoe would have to go and buy new shoes, because they would no longer wear a size 10. That SAME size 10 from before would really be a size 11 now! A size 11 shoe on a size 10 person would result in bunions and sores on feet, profiting the foot doctors of the world, who would clearly pay a royalty fee to Jahmba, Inc. for the detriment to the world’s shoe wearing peoples. Also paying royalties would be:

1. Buildings larger than seven (7) feet.
2. Aluminum can companies who’d immediately be in violation of faultily advertising several twelve (12) ounce drinking products.
3. Ninjas for the simple reason that they’d probably find some sly, slick, or stealthy way to get out of paying.
4. Any person who has, or will ever be older than seven (7) from this point forward, at some point, in the next 15 years.
5. Dewey Decimal. IF that is his REAL name!
6. The next Wonder of the Modern World.
7. Whoever reads the next line of this list.
8. You.
9. This list, as it does not have the number jahmba listed in it – resulting in a fee of jahmba-thousand dollars.

It’s kind of like when Da Vinci invented a flying machine. Nobody really believed him, or thought that his invention would work (granted, it probably didn’t work very well, because everyone knows that he didn’t invent jet fuel, so it was very difficult to get it off the ground), but he had confidence in himself, and in America! Or wherever he was from - likely bets include:

1. Chile
2. Denmark
3. Mother Russia
4. Detroit (Yes, Amityville will be acceptable)
5. Three Forks, Montana
6. 100-Acre Woods

Da Vinci’s idea was cast by the wayside, ne’er to be heard from for another few centuries! What was the reason for this? It was obviously a malfeasance by his advertising campaign coordinator. How much better would the flying machine have sold with this ad:

Education in metallurgy and craftsmanship for 3 years: $0.19
Un-synthetic silk, reeds, and shafts for wings: $.1.30
Snail milk, eye-of-toad, 4 ladybugs: $0.38
Watching one of your million inventions crash into the ground and not catching fire because we haven’t invented gasoline yet? Priceless.

It would have sold like hotcakes, I’m sure. But I can’t blame it all on his advertising team. He could have taken the initiative himself and posted his idea up with billboard ads and 30 second clips in between halves of Super Bowl –MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMCXVIX. Yea, he was certainly at a disadvantage. Today his idea might have been easier to sell with technology as it is. Nowadays, new information can be passed from culture to culture, in most part, via the Internet and homing pigeons.

Now, I may be going out on a limb, but I’m sure I won’t be the only one once Jahmba starts to receive national recognition, in saying that I am of firm belief that, with timely implementation, and well thought out budget plans, Jahmba could run for President in the 2008 election. Jahmba would have the voice of every American citizen. Each and every person could say with pride and dignity that Jahmba is working for the people, by the people, and through the people! How would a simple “number” be able to do this? Well, it’s obvious really. Jahmba would proudly exhibit, on the bottom-left portion of the number, near the patented copyright disclaimer, every single country’s flag in the world! Who could argue with that? Representation equals inauguration!
Jahmba was discovered to bring peace to the modern world through mathematics. Now, I know what you’re saying to yourself. You’re saying,

“Jahmba guy, weapons of mass destruction, in some way, use mathematics don’t they?”

And my reply to that would be,

“Well sure they do, but they use it in an “evil” way! A way so evil that Jahmba Inc., has signed documents disallowing anything that is dubbed, by myself, to be “bad” OR “evil”, as the case may be, to be in any way incorporated with Jahmba Inc. or it’s affiliates. Likewise, and oppositely, things that make people happy like flower vases, music, gum, not being at work, and nacho cheese containers are 100% endorsed by Jahmba Inc.”

You see, people from all walks of life can incorporate Jahmba into their every day activities! I’m sure it will be a smooth process into the next stage of human evolution. Granted, things will be a bit different, but certainly for the better. Everyone will be able to walk a little taller, live a little longer, and know that it all wouldn’t be possible without the fine efforts of 3 ½ lethargic hot tub philosophers…