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No, not me dude, it was TOTALLY just a guy I knew…

The Dilapidation Of Human Evolution
Thought up: 8.13.03 – 7:24pm
Written: 8.14.03 – 1:27pm
#16

Human evolution must have been filled with lots and lots of trial-by-error. Everything couldn’t have come so easy for everyone. We take the most common of things for granted, when, in actuality, it took someone like 3 years to learn how to pick their nose. Hell, I can bust out 15 or 20 pickings a day now! My grandfather told me back when I was young, that people didn’t even know how or where to pee for 3,000 years. They’d just “ride the yellow slip ‘n slide” down their legs for God’s sake. I couldn’t believe the man; I thought he must have gone mad!

Me: “What about toilets Grampa?”
Gramps: “Ah hell, they didn’t have toilets, they just went wherever they were, with no care for anyone around them! Dirty varmints!
Me: “What about the port-o-potties though? Didn’t anyone use those?
Gramps: “HELL NO BOY! Where’s your head! They didn’t even have clothes then! Let alone port-o-potties!

I concluded that I’d just leave it at that because obviously grampa had too much of the funny soda that night; for undoubtedly people got super embarrassed to be walking around naked; let alone pissing on themselves. But now that I’ve gotten a bit older, it makes a bit more sense, and that maybe Grampa WAS all there. We just take that stuff for granted, when in reality, it took a lot of people a ton of time to figure stuff out.
Nowadays, we look at something like a television and figure that someone whipped that baby right up in a factory using the latest high-tech computer driven machines and state-of-the-art software. We don’t even care to think about how long something like that took. Who the hell invented “factories” in the first place? Let alone televisions to be built in them. It’s funny to think that kids these days can’t ponder being without television. I’m really close to being in that generation, which is nice because I can’t imagine the fun they must have had in the Caveman Era…

Thorg: “Grog, what we do today for fun?”
Grog: “Unga bunga Thorg. Me think we play with rock again.”
Thorg: “We play with rock everyday Thorg, we should play with log instead.”
Grog: “SWEET! I forgot how fun log was!

Or even better yet when they’d be chasing women:

Grog: “Thorg, did you see the ass on that one!”
Thorg: “Oh yea Grog, it was super hot, so hairy and full of dirt, and since we haven’t invented toilet paper yet, a few other little treats!”
Grog: “I tell you what, if it wasn’t for the hair covering virtually every inch on her body, including her face, forehead, back and feet, I’d be all over that!”
Thorg: “Yea, me too! She for sure has the bushiest eyebrows of all the girls we know! You could damn-near twist that s*** up with some shoe polish and she could rock those suckers like Rollie Fingers’ mustache!”
Grog: “Rollie who?”
Thorg: “Nevermind, you’re too young to know him.”

Clearly the world was a different place. No cars, no cell phones, no computers… Hell, when I watch OLD movies like “Gladiator” they wore white cloth and just draped it around each other. I can picture some big tough gladiator walking in to the fabric store…

“Gee, that dress would look really nice on me! Do you have in it white?”
“Actually sir, that’s ALL we have it in. Haven’t you noticed? We all wear stupid dresses just swathed upon us. That’s because we live in the Bronze Age! What for another several centuries when we get to wear BIGGER dresses with Frou-frou bushy collars, knickerbockers, and white wigs! You think we look like idiots now! Just wait!
“Hmm, good point Julius, I think I’ll just take the stupid leaf head-band today is all, thanks.”

The aspect of “eating” still boggles my mind more than any other human learned skill. I mean, who in the hell came up with the idea to actually “eat” something? Whoever this fella was needs to be given more adulation and praise than Mickey Mantle or Bob Hope. Because now, it’s one of everyone’s favorite hobbies (some more so than others). He started something that would bring worlds together! I guess what puzzles me the most is how one day he noticed that his stomach hurt, and needed to eat something. I guess this is the same for all animals, but especially for humans.

Other animals eat a lot of crap like trees, bushes, vegetables and whatnot, which is clearly not good - however, that’s probably what he first munched on. It must have happened something like this… [Scoobey Doo music intro] …The entire planet gets toasted when the meteor shower hit, and the dinosaurs croaked but one guy got trapped in the ice and thawed out after 37 years in the ice. He rolls out after a looooooooooong sleep, and took a whiz, like men do after a good night of zzz’s, and starts walking around randomly. He has ABSOLUTELY no clue what he’s doing. But decides that his stomach hurts, what does he do? Obviously he decides to climb a tree and pick some bugs out of his hair! He has no good place to put these bugs except in his mouth.

I’ve seen caveman bugs before and most of them are roughly the size of a Cocoa Puff. They grew them big back then. And after a while, he got to realizing that by eating bugs out of his hair, he bacame less hungry. Until one day he ran out of bugs, and decided to try eating some shrubs and trees, and those lasted for a while until he noticed that he wanted a hamburger or at least some SPAM (because guys dig that stuff). Upon realizing that he has neither, he started trying things that might taste good. He must have gone through anything he could find like dirt, cheetos, and rocks and found nothing.

o people stayed on a diet of bugs and shrubs until probably around like 1955 when Ray Kroc opened the first McDonalds in Des Plaines, Illinois. It was all downhill from there. I won’t get into it, but do want to make it a point to ponder as to how people first started eating animals though. I assume is has something to do with the video games kids are playing these days. According to recent statistics I just made up, 98% of kids that play video games eat. And of that 98%, 13% of the kids will eat a hamburger and not even care that the first hamburger was eaten by a simple man – a man with a fetish for knives, cattle, barbeque sauce and grills.

I guess what it all boils down to is that we all look at eras in a different way. People learn things at different speeds, but for the most part look back and tease the last generation or two. I do it to my folks, they did it to their folks. I think it’s a general consensus that everyone before say, 2 or 3 generations ago are just completely clueless, and deserve to be teased. In actuality, if they weren’t such ninnies, then WE would be the ones making all the stupid mistakes. We’d be wearing hideous clothes, and trying to eat random stuff like Tupperware containers, air-fresheners, and bowling balls…