They can be deadly…  …to everyone…

This is absolutely real, to the best (or least)of my knowledge [click to enlarge]:

…use him as an ashtray.

There are some names you hear where you know the dude is a dick. I could have told you before reading this story that a guy named Tripp is a real douche (this coming from the guy named after an African-American hairstyle, what does that say about me?).

The Tripper says, “I want to let everyone know there was neither any malice nor deliberate intent whatsoever to hit or harm the hawk. I was trying to simply scare it into flying away.”

Around shot number four or five, after moving closer to get a better shot, there might have been a little bit of malice and deliberate intent.

It was a one-in-a-million shot.”

Well actually it only took about ten shots, so its more like a on-in-a-ten shot.

On the plus side, Tripp and his family have adopted three cats. Which according to him makes him an animal lover. That’s sort of like telling your wife how much you love her and showing her all the ear rings you bought her, after punching her in the face.

A very oldschool post from the PawPrint (click to enlarge):

So legendary American quarterback Brett Favre announced his retirement yesterday, leaving several Favre fans unable to cope. But are these the people that should be worried? Emotionally yes, but financially, the rest of the world should be concerned!

Below here is a VERY scientific graph I created showing the stock market since Brett Favre was part of the NFL (click to enlarge):

Notice the ups and downs in the graphs associated with specific Favre moments of grandeur and less-than-greatness. And nothing else possibly could have been happening at those times, if they did, it was completely by chance and in no way indicative of the Favre Stock Indexer (FSI).

Maximum Occupancy Not to Exceed Around 6 or 3
Thought up: 7.13.03 - 10:13pm
Written: 8.21.03 - 11:14 am
#17

So I was sitting in an International House of Pancakes the other day and I noticed a sign that said, “MAXIMUM OCCUPANCY 104.” 104 what? How do people judge or determine how many people can actually fit into an establishment? I mean, I assume there are standard fire laws that permit only so many people to go through a door at a given time. They’ve probably run the gamut a thousand times on how to set each public building up, and how many people can get through a door. I’m sure they paid some top-ranking firehouse official to go to 15 stores and at each one set it on fire and see who made it out…

Hank: “Alright everyone, welcome to Jimmy’s house of snake skin boots! I’m gonna start by lighting this place on fire, and everyone try to run as fast as they can out of the door before it burns down!”
Sonny: “Are you serious?”
Hank: “Well sonny, your foot is on fire, so I assume that I am, an get running.”

The guy will then walkie-talkie to the guy outside the door to start counting how many people made it out before the entire building was caught on fire. The high ranking fire-marshal would have to go down with his ship, so they’d, odds are, go through a lot of guys for this position. What if at the end of the running, there was one lady that only made it halfway out the door before she fell down of smoke inhalation?

Does that mean that she counts for the “get out alive” side or the “idiots that didn’t” side? Because I’m fairly certain that if I saw a building on fire, I would be the FIRST person out… I guess that’s why they have the MAXIMUM OCCUPANCY sign posted, and why they’ve lit so many buildings on fire as test units.

I think that what they don’t take into account though, is the clientele at these different buildings. For instance, I was at an IHOP. An IHOP that can fit 104 people better have a damn fire exit about every 6 feet, and a fire GARAGE at least every 20 feet! Because I tell you what, the vast majority of people in IHOP are either morbidly “obese” or morbidly “old as hell”. The larger folk aren’t gonna make it out for at least one of the three following reasons:

1. They’re not done with their grub, and “ain’t no fire gonna stop me from downing my $5.99 all-you-can-eat pancakes! I’m only on plate #8!”

2. In a panic, you breathe heavily and fast, and I GUARANTEE some of those people can’t get out of the booths without exhaling every last bit of air in their lungs! I saw one young lady whip out a can of KY Jelly and bathe her friend up in it, so that she could get IN to the booth. I can just imagine her trying to get out, in a fire nonetheless! She’d be busier trying to get out of there than a cat trying to bury a dump on a marble floor! Not gonna happen!

3. I’ve eaten here a couple of times, and each time I felt like I can barely GET to the door, let alone in a timely manner. I can just imagine a 600-pound heifer trying to get to the door. They’d have to let the firemen be the guys that hand off water in the long distance running events. There aren’t pit stops in a burning building. Odds are they’d have to roll these people out special garage doors made just for this reason. ( Picture Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka when she ate that blueberry gum. Yea, like that.)

AND THE OLD PEOPLE! I don’t even know which aspect of being old to pick on first, let’s try…

1. Hearing—Amidst all the people screaming and writhing in pain from the fire. Old people will just sit quietly and eat their ½ pancake and drink their cup of coffee unbeknownst to the world around them! Everything will be burned down before they actually realize that something has gone awry. Goodbye old people.

2. Blazing speed—God help us all if we ever have a reality show where old people are on it trying to do anything besides watch Price Is Right and Jeopardy.

3. They just don’t care anymore:

Herman: “Well Agnes, it looks like it’s finally our turn. The good Lord has finally come for us!”
Agnes: “Herman, the fire door is right behind you, just get up and walk 5 steps.”
Herman: “No dear, I’ve had enough, look what we’ve been reduced to anyway, I’m old, I have no hair, and no more muscles. My eyesight is horrid. My social security check won’t buy me anything more than these damn pancakes. My bones are so damn rickety that I can’t walk to the kitchen in anything less than 15 minutes! I can’t take a leak without it dripping down my leg for the next 20 minutes! And let’s not even get STARTED with my penis!”
Agnes: “Good points Herman. But you forgot that we smell like old people.”
Herman: “Dear God, this fire isn’t burning fast enough…”

So I deduce that there can’t be any cognitive reasoning why they’d even put a sign like this in a building with such unique patrons. There is certainly no way that they could actually have a test group of old people to team up with a group of rotund folks to have a race to get out the doors safely.

The old people that sit by the door wouldn’t care that they were gonna get smoked, and the larger individuals couldn’t get to the door on time anyway. I would be the only person that gets out of there in a fire. I take that back; it’d probably be me and the cook that started it, because he was sick of only making $5.15/hr serving pancakes to people that smell bad because they’re old, and to people that smell bad because they can’t actually REACH all the places needed to smell pleasurable…

It would be very evil of me to make fun of this happy young lady, so I will take the high road and say something nice.

Those tires sure look sturdy.