I really got a kick out of this one - He really grilled her about jail; hell, I even felt a bit uncomfortable about it…

I haven’t seen this one in my spam folder for a while, but it came in today so I had to share the comedy in it.  Mrs. Mary Johnson has a Westernized name, a japanese email address, and lives on the Ivory Coast!  It must be a tough go for her there!  All you need to do is give her your bank number and she’ll give you a bunch of money, how could this NOT work?

If you would like to give any money to me also, I’m poor and in the US, so you don’t even have to transfer money to me, just Paypal it to me and I’ll take it gladly!

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Miss Mary Johnson <mary_john_so_n004@yahoo.co.jp>
Date: 2008/3/20
Subject: I NEED YOUR HELP.
To: mary_john_so_n004@yahoo.co.jp

Dearest One,

After having gone through your profile, I prayed and decided to confide in you for this simple and sincere business bearing in mind that one has to take some risks at times to survive trial times.I am Miss Mary Johnson, The only daughter to the late Mr. Lambert Johnson of Sierra Leone who was a very wealthy Gold and Diamond dealer. My father was assassinated by unknown gun men after his return trip from Europe with my Mother. All the police efforts to track down the assassins of my late Father and mother has not been successful, Hence I decided to flee to a neighbouring country where I have been since as a refugee seeking asylum in a refugee camp there in Abidjan, Cote d’Ivoire.

Meanwhile, before the death of my parents, my late father told me that He deposited the sum of U.S $ 3.500.000.00 with a bank here in Abidjan, Cote d’Ivoire where I am residing now. I have gone to the bank with the official lodgement receipt of the money as issued to my father by the bank when he deposited the money and the bank confirmed that the money is with them. I have decided to invest this money out side Africa and I need you to assist me in receiving this money with your bank account while I join you for investment in your country.

I am seeking your assistance to enable me front you to the bank as my foreign partner who will assist me in receiving this money from the bank.

(1) To provide me with your detailed personal information which includes, your full names, Contact address, bank account information and your Telephone and fax numbers so that I can submit it to the bank authorising them to recognise and transfer the money into your bank account as my foreign guardian.(2) To serve as a guardian to this fund since I am only 23 years.

3) to provide a good business where this money will be invested since am since I am still a novice in the business world

(3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my
education and to secure a resident permit in your country.Moreover, I am willing to offer you 20 % of the total sum as compensation for your effort/input after the successful transfer of this money into your bank account and 5% for any expenses that might incurred during the transfer process making it 25% of the total amount.

Please get back to me .

Thanks and God bless.

Sincerely,
Miss Mary Johnson.

Coming Up With An Appropriate Title
Thought up: 9.30.03 – 6:32pm
Written: 10.1.03 - 4:36 pm
#21

Last night I must have sat in my work chair for 3 hours, mostly just chatting with friends and replying to emails and whatnot, but I had allotted this time as “come up with book title” time. No go. I got too distracted with everything that was going on. After about the first 45 or 50 seconds of deep thought, I went to my good pal Laura for some advice. I figured that she had read a few of my stories, and might be able to come up with something of bearing on the subject. Mostly we just chatted about why we were at work so late, and the wedding she was going to be attending. I didn’t think that anyone would read a comedy book about a wedding or staying at work late. Then people would probably again get confused with the annotation of “workplace” and “marriages,” and then perhaps they’d think it was marriage to a job, and from there, how to be single and have no friends because you’re married to your job. That’s not particularly the group of people I’m shooting to attract, albeit, people are people.

I called up my friend Toivola and asked him if he had any good ideas, and he told me that I’d need to re-read all of the works and find out how they all mesh together. From there, I could come up with a solid basis for what all of my stories had in common. I thought to myself,

“Wow! Brilliant idea! All authors should do that!”

As if I’d make a mushy romance novel and call it: How to stalk Tony the Tiger and other famous animal celebrities advertising food. Creative, yes, but I don’t know if it’s hitting your target audience. I got to thinking though, and what I decided was my target audience? I guess a target audience can’t be aimed at until you find the kind of people looking to read what you’re writing about. So that left me at a dead end, but it DID prove that there are a lot of people in this world to spout to.
I got to thinking again, which isn’t altogether that bad of an idea, and realized that it didn’t matter how I titled my work, but I figure I could grab the attention of a lot of different people judging on what I call the book. For instance:

Bluer skies on the other side of Mars. – Has a good ring to it. I’m sure that a lot of scientists would be very interested in such a book for about the first 10 seconds of it. Or perhaps a “Men are from Mars” bit on it would come. Not the audience I’m looking to hit, nor the scope.
How to get through 3 weeks in India without changing your underwear. – Likely to get a good group from the hippy generation interested, but above and beyond that? Plop.
The benefits of cheese on athlete’s foot. – Once again, doctors and scientists would be very amused, but I think it’d hardly be worth the waste of perfectly good athlete’s foot.
Illiteracy, how to tease someone that can’t read this. – Would get in good with a lot of people in poor regions of the world, that couldn’t buy the book anyway. Humph, scratch that.
All of the top-secret US Government documents – See you in jail?
Performing your own brain surgery in 3 easy steps. – Explains a lot.

These all were valiant efforts I put forth in “meshing” together my ideas. But in all actuality, my work is about randomness and stream of consciousness, and butter. So what better name than: Riding a Butter Tub Down the Stream of Consciousness.

Ud: “Now Ud, you’ve thought of some crafty things in your day, but boy, you’ve really impressed yourself here!”
Ud: “Who are you talking to?”
Ud: “Self, shut up, you’re embarrassing us…”

Click to enlarge

If you don’t want to read the whole story (why are you so lazy?) then I will break it down for you. The kid has an idiot godfather. The young man just wants to see some private parts; he is not on drugs.

Clearly just how not to write actual letter and just scribble.  This was on the back of the Rice Krispies box I saw this morning.  Barbie is like perpetually 17 years old, and she doesn’t even know how to write in english…  This is a real let down.  I thought she was more of a role model without private parts…

Girls, the Boogey Man is right behind you!!

That’s a good looking bear…

When they sang “My humps, my lovely lady lumps”, but I could be wrong…

Like Father, Like Son, Like Uncle Who Might Be Your Son
Thought up:  9.07.03 – 4:04pm
Written: 9.9.03 - 3:45 pm
#20

This past weekend I went to the opening day game for the Seattle Seahawks.  The game was blacked-out because it wasn’t sold out, so nobody could watch it on television.  Everyone had to go to the game to see it if they wanted.  I’d say it was about 60,000 people strong that made the trek.  We had a decent parking place, and a good walk to the stadium through countless trailers and motor homes littered with beer cans and cigarette butts.  I’m sure these people had a very nice time before the game, would maybe pick up a littering violation or two, but in the end, leave the confines of Seahawks Stadium happy with the victory.

I got to thinking on the way there though, what kind of people do the Seahawks appeal to?  Not just the Seahawks, but football in general is a game that doesn’t really appeal to all groups of people.  It’s more a party crowd.  You don’t usually see the average middle-aged woman go to a football game without a male with her, let alone a GROUP of women going together.  There’s just no lure in that for women.  It’s like getting a group of vegetarians to hit up Tony Roma’s for all-you-can-eat ribs night.  It just doesn’t happen.
I went to this game and got seats up in the nose-bleed section, but there really aren’t any bad seats in the stadium.  So I was sitting there with just my friend Travis next to me, and 5 seats in either direction open except for a family of 4 in front and to the left of us.  They were a nice looking family with a daughter and a son maybe around 5 or 6.  About 10 minutes into the game, a bald guy with tattoos up the back of his neck, chew grains on his lips, and a Seahawks towel around his neck (like a Superman cape), came and sat down.  NOT in any of the 35 seats around us that had nobody near him, but RIGHT next to the family of four out to the game.  He proceeded to spit his cud down near his feet, and scream at the top of his lungs that the Seahawks, “RULED THE WORLD AND THE STADIUM OF FOOTBALL!”  I thought to myself,
“Yes, I assume they do buddy, do you have any idea what the hell you’re talking about?  Do you think you might have mixed up your words in there somewhere?  Are you speaking English or Dumbass-ese?”
Not 5-minutes after the guy sat down, the little girl next to him told her mother that the man spit on her shoe.  The lady confronted the guy and the guy denied it, at which point the family moved, and found better seating a few sections over.  At this point, the guy beckons his harem of morons from across the way to come over and grab his newfound seats.  Now, I’m not kidding when I say that this group of gentlemen was the scariest bunch of people I may have ever laid my eyes on, excluding of course:

1.    The Elephant Man
2.    Elton John
3.    Hunchback of Notre Dame
4.    Gary Busey
5.    Prince
6.    A stegosaurus
7.    The Elephant Man riding Elton John, making-out with Gary Busey riding a stegosaurus.

The first guy that rolled up had no shirt on, no shoes on, no HAIR on, but a HUGE beard.  He could have hidden a good 5 or 6 small tuna sandwiches in that beard!  The second fella that came over must have been the dentist in the group, because he had the shiniest, greenest pair of teeth I have ever seen!  The third guy had a handkerchief on his head that claimed the New Orleans Saints “Sucked Monster Ass!”

“Way to go Cletus!  Did you make that all by yourself!  You spelled all those words right!  Those Saints are gonna be so mad at you!”

Then Darrell, his brother Darrell, and his other brother Darrell rolled in with matching denim jackets and shorts, double-fisting beers.  But the prize of them all was last in line.  I would consider this guy the crème de la crème!  Cut-off denim jacket, wispy crustache, high-top shoes with no socks, and the sweetest mullet you’ll ever have the chance to taste; in this lifetime, or the next.  Not only did he have the L.I.B. (Long In Back) working, but he had the S.O.T. (Short On Top) combed to perfection.  The S.O.T. stopped perfectly behind the cowlick of everyone’s scalp, spiked up in all it’s glory, and two-feet of glistening dirty-blonde mane.

He alone could have the heart of every woman in the stadium I’m sure, but his attention was set on the football game for now!  The lust of every female would have to wait another day to have an opportunity like this.  From this point forward, I had no desire to watch the football game.  I had a new focus.  I cared nothing for the grid-iron any longer.  I could watch football any day of the week, but an opportunity like this only comes along once in a lifetime!  This is like seeing The Pope hanging out with Saddam Hussein and Ron Jeremy busting piñatas of bacon grease and red wine in Martha Stewart’s living room!